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Butt-Naked for your Marriage!

So, you want your wife to swoon or at least have a giggle? The answer is simple: take off your clothes. And dance as if your life depends on it . . .

Why? Remember a few years ago how crazy women were about the Chippendales? Many women were of the opinion that it wasn’t so much about the idea of naked men as it was about the mere fun of those giggling sessions. Most recently they stood in cues to watch Magic Mike. They like g-strings, my friend. And a good piece of male flesh to go with it.

Get fit
Step one: become a little fit. It can’t cause any harm to go for a daily walk or jog around the block a week or two before the time. You won’t impress your wife if you huff and puff like an asthmatic goose while performing your dance routine.

The costume
Purchase the costume/outfit: a G-string and a bow tie. Preferably black, but red can also do the trick. These items are for sale at the same shops where ‘real’ underwear are sold. Make sure that it’s a G-string for men and not for women (believe me, there is a difference). As soon as you have completed your shopping, dig in your closet for a worn out jean that last fit you in high school. Carve the knees open with a bread knife for extra effect. A black pair of leather pants are better, but can make a nasty dent in your purse. It’s not necessary for a long pair of pants with Velcro attachments that can easily be ripped-off your body: you are strong enough and man enough to rip the jeans off your body at the appropriate time.

The moves
There are several Chippendale-videos on YouTube. Study them with intense concentration and make notes (rather don’t look at video’s of male strippers at work; just now a colleague sneaks up on you, making things very awkward). It’s essential to exercise. The best place is a garage. It will help to get hold of a full-length mirror somewhere so that you can see whether you are doing everything correctly. The right music is obviously very important. ABBSA’s classic Dancing Queen always works.

Final preparations
The big evening has arrived! The first step is to come up with a believable reason why you can’t go and buy bread and milk and then send your wife to go and make the purchase. Move the lounge furniture out of the way, with the exception of the single couch where your fan must sit.
You can use the coffee table as your stage. Smother your body with baby oil (cooking oil also works), put your outfit on and make your hair all messy for that naughty boy look. Place a bucket of water in the corner of the lounge. Ensure that you have placed the right CD in the CD-player. Place a trail of blocks of chocolate all the way from the front door to the lounge. Drink two beers for energy.

The performance
As soon as your wife walks through the front door, turn the volume of the music to its loudest setting.  Wait until she is shocked to the core and walks to the lounge munching on chocolate and takes a seat on the couch. Then you get the show on the road! Become one with the music. Every note must echo in each and every cell within your body. Show those muscles! Rake your fingers through your hair. Shake your head like a rock star. Wriggle shamelessly while you struggle to get out of your jeans if you don’t want to have them ripped off you instead. Make the most of your G-string: swirl and twirl; turn your back on her and shake your booty. The highlight is when you pour the bucket of water over yourself: no woman can resist a soaked man. Provoke her; play with her hormones. Pretend that you are going to get rid of the G-string, but don’t take it off completely: the secret to a good stripper is to make his audience lust and desire, but always withholds a little something to leave her wondering and wanting more.

The end
The ideal end for the whole affair can be when your wife ecstatically shouts for “More! More!” and notes of money are being stuffed into your g-string; or chases you around the house to rip your G-string off (rather flee when she starts phoning her friends to come and see). If she sits on the couch and stares at the wet floor wondering who is going to dry it, then it is not your fault that she has no appreciation for what you are willing to do what few men ever would.

The odds do however remain in your favour that both of you will score tonight. And that’s enough to make all your efforts worthwhile.