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16July2019

Intimacy4us

When she makes your blood boil . . .

 We are not referring to the red dress with the low neck line scenario . . . but rather the times she makes you so mad you almost start foaming at the mouth. How do you control that type of anger?

“Look at these, love. All of it was on sale.” She is standing in the front door with four big bags in her hands (all of it clothing). She looks satisfied with herself, but you know it is all an act. She wants to soothe you to not get angry so she stands there with her most pious smile while she knows she was wrong. You feel the lava creep up inside you. Just last week you gave her a talking-to about her cupboard brimming with clothes (half of which, still in a perfect condition, she just gave away). The more you think about it, the angrier you become and you can definitely punch a hole in the brick wall. Don’t. Rage is not a healthy emotion (something would be wrong with you if you did not become mad.), as long as it does not control you. This is what you need to stay in control:

Your rage toolkit:

1. A mirror. Look at yourself and determine exactly what it is about her actions that angers you. Is it because she is in denial about your financial position, because she disrespects your decisions, or because you economise while she does not.
2. Oxygen. Breathe. It truly does help to relax and not react on impulse. In this way you can calm down before you decide what to do.
3. Tekkies. Tell your partner that you need a bit of space and walk away from the situation if rage is starting to get the better of you.
4. Sunglasses. Visualise a scene that keeps you calm, like a nice sunshine day at the beach. If you get angry, think of this scene to help you relax.
5. A wall clock. Choose you timing well. Handle the situations when the time is right. Be sure that you have had enough rest, a proper plate of food and that there is nothing else bothering you.
6. A dictionary. When you are not fighting, get hold of a dictionary and look up words that one of you can use if you feel the other’s fit of rage is out of control. It serves as a stop sign for an argument and means: “Let’s talk about this again at a later stage.” Choose a comical word that can help to defuse the tensions of the moment.
7. A telephone number. Of a good therapist. Maybe there is an issue from your past that first needs to be handled before you can learn to control your rage.
8. A notebook. Sit somewhere where no-one can bother you (like the kids’ tree house) and write all your partner’s good aspects – the things that attracted you from the start.
9. A stopwatch. Stop the argument long before bed time. An argument shortly before bedtime can influence your sleep and make you feel even more moody the next day.
10. A bicycle. Work those seething emotions out of your system by exercising. When you’ve burned a couple of kilojoules you’ll be calm enough to think clearly about what happened. Think carefully: Is the fight more important than your marriage? Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

Additional recourses: marriagebuilder.com, marriage.abut.com, mamashealth.com, voices.yahoo.com

Written by ANNELIZE STEYN